“I think we need some sort of corporate—I don’t know what—primer?—on appropriate corporate behavior and associated language,” says Mr. Kane.

Miss Barry raises an eyebrow (which causes it to almost fall off). “Could you be more specific, Sir?”

“I’m thinking that our employees here don’t practice good discipline. And their morale is weak. They always see the glass half empty. And their language reflects this attitude.”

“Could you give me an example, Sir?” asks Miss Barry.

“Certainly. The storm that hit our Maine factory the other day is a perfect example. For days all I heard was grip, gripe, moan…’we’re going to have to do so much to prepare for a possible power outage, boo hoo, we have so much to do.’ When a more logical sentiment should clearly reflect the advantage of being stranded among a bevy of yummy people to eat who cannot call for help. In Maine, no less.

“So my point is that we should have some kind of manual and dictionary. In this case, “natural disaster” = “feasting opportunity.” Get it?”

“Completely, Sir.”

…is getting ready for work this morning.

“It takes a long time to look this good. This professional. This…human…when, in fact, you are a ringleader in a corporate zombie world. Consider the time involved. Imagine not only having to brush your teeth, but file them down. And whitening? Ha! You think you have coffee or cigarette or blueberry stains? Try whitening after a succulent feast of frontal lobe. Application after application of self-tanner still leaves me deathly pale. And you think you have issues choosing your wardrobe in the morning? Puh-lease. My clothes have to hide the parts of my body that have decomposed. And then a fortifying meal of highly nutritious brains so that I can function like a seemingly normal person instead of the staggering, slurring, confused zombie I might otherwise be. I tell you, it’s a job in itself-all this corporate deception.

I think this place is getting to me. I’m starting to feel slow. Is everyone really moving and thinking faster than me? Why do I feel like I’m slurring my words? Staggering? I have a need to wander the halls aimlessly. And, I dunno, but when I look in the mirror, I seem to have changed. I’m not getting old, per se, but ugly. Come to think of it, everyone here is ugly in some regard. And slow moving. And speech-slurring. They kind of lurch about the place. Sometimes the only discernable words they utter are “brains,” followed closely by “profits,” “costs,” and something called “teamwork.” What is this strange vocabulary? Why does everyone wear gray and seem to move in tandem? Shall I join them? I feel myself getting weak…

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established a series of employee workshops. The third workshop, which is voluntary but will be used against you in your performance evaluation if you choose not to attend, will be held on Friday at 3pm. This is after the Friday summer hour leave time. Again, participation is voluntary.
This third session will focus on career survival.

This course is designed to provide participants with the opportunity to review the changes that have taken place in their lives since they have been employed. These include, but are not limited to:

1. A flat affect or nonchalance about pretty much everything; a feeling of automation;

2. A nervous paranoia that you are being controlled by an insidious force;

3. An odd feeling of spiritual connection with the Stepford Wives;

4. Severe confusion resulting from your disgust at your current circumstances but that fact that something unidentifiable compels you to do it anyway;

5. A feeling of murderous rage directed at the following groups of people: (a) the independently wealthy (b) artists, because they like what they do even if they often make no money doing it (c) politicians, because they like what they do even though nobody else likes it (d) happy people generally.

6. An insatiable craving for protein and mineral rich cell matter, a.k.a. brains.

Survival techniques will be presented and discussed so participants can maximize personal and professional performance and satisfaction, i.e., you’ll feel better about it all when we’ve brainwashed you a little more.

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established a series of employee workshops. The second workshop, which is voluntary but will be used against you in your performance evaluation if you choose not to attend, will be held on Friday at 3pm. This is after the Friday summer hour leave time. Again, participation is voluntary.

This second session will focus on leadership skills. In this session participants will learn to:

1. Develop leadership skills by (1) ignoring subordinates completely or (2) eating their brains

2. Understand a variety of leadership paradigms, values, and principles such as:

a. Constructive and restrictive motivation, and why our organization favors restrictive (it makes it easier to eat brains);
b. Pro-active versus reactive motivation, and why we demand the pro-active acquisition of and dining on of brains;
c. Loyalty and accountability, and why we hold you accountable for identifying, procuring, and eating your own brains; and
d. Group think, and why it is imperative that everyone on staff be equally motivated to acquire and eat brains.

3. Manage challenging work situations like deadlines with a greater sense of calmness and clarity of mind though clear goal setting, i.e., quota of brains to consume each day, positive self-talk, e.g., saying to yourself everyday, “I am a happy Zombie. There is nothing wrong with eating the brains of my co-workers, competitors and certainly not of my superiors when I can get my hands on them,” and, finally, visualization. Management strongly encourages active visualization: feel your prey, appreciate your prey, say thanks to your prey and the gooey, gelatinous goodness inside your prey’s head…

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established a series of employee workshops. The first workshop, which is voluntary but will be used against you in your performance evaluation if you choose not to attend, will be held on Friday at 3pm. This is after the Friday summer hour leave time. Again, participation is voluntary.

This first session will focus on stress management. In this session participants will learn to:

1. Understand and communicate more effectively with difficult co-workers using the tools of (1) ignoring them completely and (2) eating their brains.

2. Manage challenging work situations like deadlines with a greater sense of calmness and clarity of mind by (1) ignoring deadlines completely and (2) drinking the blood of anyone who bothers you to boost cognitive clarity.

3. Reduce stress with clinically-proven techniques that can be done in a few moments such as (1) knocking someone irritating over the head and eating their brains.

4. Enhance personal productivity by (1) not giving a hoot about the outcome and (2) consuming a diet high in nourishing brains.

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established an intramural softball team. Since management believes that athletics improve the health and wellness, morale, and energy of our workers, participation in the otherwise voluntary recreational activity which will take place after normal working hours and sometimes weekends is mandatory.

There are new people here today. But they are being lead about by on of the department heads in accounting, not by Miss Barry, so I don’t think they’re new employees. Besides, why would we have new employees when we’ve just had all those layoffs? Anyway, the new people, whoever they are, look extremely young. I mean even younger than me—right out of college. Maybe some of them even are still in college. That’s it; they must be interns. They all carry laptops, expensive ones. That is puzzling. And they are nicely dressed for interns. Also puzzling. Hmm…they are going into a conference room. The accounting department head is leaving and shutting the door behind him. Why would he leave interns unattended like that? Hmm…Oh here comes a maintenance person. He has a sign for the door of the oh so young interns. I’m going to go see what it says.

“Do Not Disturb. Audit in Progress. Consultants Inside.”

At 6:15 p.m. the first Friday after announcing this initiative, a lone pioneering employee leaves.

He is never seen again.

It turns out that there was indeed a fire on one of the floors which did a considerable amount of damage. The employees on that floor have been annexed to part of the cafeteria. As part of this arrangement, before refurbishing work can be done on the damaged floor, any equipment and files not lost in flames or doused by the sprinklers must be moved, dried, and stored. This activity is communicated via a morning e-mail to the entire staff.

Assuming this to be a delicate operation, especially since the floor poses several safety hazards, chief among them smoke inhalation, Matthew assumes that this will be handled by some outside team trained to handle such matters. But consistent to recent cost cutting efforts, Matthew goes on to open a memorandum attachment from management:

Interoffice Memorandum

In order to expediently and efficiently restore floor five to full working capacity, it is necessary to remove all debris from the space. All employees able to walk are to report to the cafeteria immediately where you will be instructed as to how to form a line to move all salvageable furnishings, equipment, and files from the smoke-laden floor to a series of mobile storage units we have placed overnight in the parking lot. Those of you who will be positioned on the damaged floor itself will be issued hard hats and face masks. Those of you in the stairwell and elsewhere will be issued nothing.

We trust that in our continued effort to contain costs that you will put your utmost physical energy into this effort. Thank you.