Interoffice Memorandum

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established a series of employee workshops. The first workshop, which is voluntary but will be used against you in your performance evaluation if you choose not to attend, will be held on Friday at 3pm. This is after the Friday summer hour leave time. Again, participation is voluntary.

This first session will focus on stress management. In this session participants will learn to:

1. Understand and communicate more effectively with difficult co-workers using the tools of (1) ignoring them completely and (2) eating their brains.

2. Manage challenging work situations like deadlines with a greater sense of calmness and clarity of mind by (1) ignoring deadlines completely and (2) drinking the blood of anyone who bothers you to boost cognitive clarity.

3. Reduce stress with clinically-proven techniques that can be done in a few moments such as (1) knocking someone irritating over the head and eating their brains.

4. Enhance personal productivity by (1) not giving a hoot about the outcome and (2) consuming a diet high in nourishing brains.

Interoffice Memorandum

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established an intramural softball team. Since management believes that athletics improve the health and wellness, morale, and energy of our workers, participation in the otherwise voluntary recreational activity which will take place after normal working hours and sometimes weekends is mandatory.

Matthew

There are new people here today. But they are being lead about by on of the department heads in accounting, not by Miss Barry, so I don’t think they’re new employees. Besides, why would we have new employees when we’ve just had all those layoffs? Anyway, the new people, whoever they are, look extremely young. I mean even younger than me—right out of college. Maybe some of them even are still in college. That’s it; they must be interns. They all carry laptops, expensive ones. That is puzzling. And they are nicely dressed for interns. Also puzzling. Hmm…they are going into a conference room. The accounting department head is leaving and shutting the door behind him. Why would he leave interns unattended like that? Hmm…Oh here comes a maintenance person. He has a sign for the door of the oh so young interns. I’m going to go see what it says.

“Do Not Disturb. Audit in Progress. Consultants Inside.”

As a quality of life initiative, the company has decided to instill a half-day Friday policy during the summer. Employees who, of their own estimate, have worked the minimal 65 work week and who have completed their work and feel the need to spend time with their families, exercise, run errands, clean their houses, shower, and sleep may opt to leave the office premises as early as 3:00 p.m. on Fridays.

At 6:15 p.m. the first Friday after announcing this initiative, a lone pioneering employee leaves.

He is never seen again.

Matthew

It turns out that there was indeed a fire on one of the floors which did a considerable amount of damage. The employees on that floor have been annexed to part of the cafeteria. As part of this arrangement, before refurbishing work can be done on the damaged floor, any equipment and files not lost in flames or doused by the sprinklers must be moved, dried, and stored. This activity is communicated via a morning e-mail to the entire staff.

Assuming this to be a delicate operation, especially since the floor poses several safety hazards, chief among them smoke inhalation, Matthew assumes that this will be handled by some outside team trained to handle such matters. But consistent to recent cost cutting efforts, Matthew goes on to open a memorandum attachment from management:

Interoffice Memorandum

In order to expediently and efficiently restore floor five to full working capacity, it is necessary to remove all debris from the space. All employees able to walk are to report to the cafeteria immediately where you will be instructed as to how to form a line to move all salvageable furnishings, equipment, and files from the smoke-laden floor to a series of mobile storage units we have placed overnight in the parking lot. Those of you who will be positioned on the damaged floor itself will be issued hard hats and face masks. Those of you in the stairwell and elsewhere will be issued nothing.

We trust that in our continued effort to contain costs that you will put your utmost physical energy into this effort. Thank you.