Day 19

Interoffice Memorandum

In an effort to foster leadership and interdepartmental team development, we have established a series of employee workshops. The second workshop, which is voluntary but will be used against you in your performance evaluation if you choose not to attend, will be held on Friday at 3pm. This is after the Friday summer hour leave time. Again, participation is voluntary.

This second session will focus on leadership skills. In this session participants will learn to:

1. Develop leadership skills by (1) ignoring subordinates completely or (2) eating their brains

2. Understand a variety of leadership paradigms, values, and principles such as:

a. Constructive and restrictive motivation, and why our organization favors restrictive (it makes it easier to eat brains);
b. Pro-active versus reactive motivation, and why we demand the pro-active acquisition of and dining on of brains;
c. Loyalty and accountability, and why we hold you accountable for identifying, procuring, and eating your own brains; and
d. Group think, and why it is imperative that everyone on staff be equally motivated to acquire and eat brains.

3. Manage challenging work situations like deadlines with a greater sense of calmness and clarity of mind though clear goal setting, i.e., quota of brains to consume each day, positive self-talk, e.g., saying to yourself everyday, “I am a happy Zombie. There is nothing wrong with eating the brains of my co-workers, competitors and certainly not of my superiors when I can get my hands on them,” and, finally, visualization. Management strongly encourages active visualization: feel your prey, appreciate your prey, say thanks to your prey and the gooey, gelatinous goodness inside your prey’s head…